future me disses 80's me

Today is the day the Swans are due back today (Read that sentence again…yeah you said ‘today’ twice you friggen dim bitch) sometime this afternoon, so I’ll be moving back to my house. I’ve tidied up so everything looks OK. (I think the key words here are ‘looks OK’ if things were OK they’d be OK but ‘looks OK’ isn’t even close, what did you do moron? Wonder if they noticed all the phone calls to the phone sex lines…they don’t cost much do they?) They got home about 4pm to 4.30pm. Had a chat with them about their trip and Jan dropped me off at work. Have to do the Request Show, had heaps of requests, found them all. Glenn stayed, he went out and got some tea for both of us. (The content of these entries is so inane even I’m lost for words…carry on)  My shift went A.O.K. no real complaints from my end, it was extremely boring that’s all. (It was boring for you was it, how about your listeners, wonder how many people considered topping themselves after listening to me?) Next week, Saturday, I’ve got to do breakfast which should be interesting, especially when it comes time to do JD’s Trading Post (Safe to say I was shitting myself) oh well Seeya. (Way to play it cool loser)

My shift today was 2pm till 6pm, it was great today (Um yeah, so this is being modest is it? Lucky because we can’t have you thinking you’re the ducks nuts or something) I had a lot of fun. (Bet your audience didn’t) Everything went together smoothly, I gave away a free float in a relaxation tank today which was good. (Holy shit, relaxation tanks, they were like the actual ducks nuts back in the late 80’s, everyone was raving about how half an hours sleep in one was the equivalent of an 8 hour sleep, so basically it was just the 80’s way of encouraging everyone to sleep less and work harder…nice…lucky they proved how brilliant they are by building on their success and becoming so integral to our lives even to this day…or not) Put together some great ads today (We are seriously chewing through the arrogance today aren’t we) although the only problem is that now I’ll have to do ads that are better than that. (I know it’s such a dilemma for someone of your creative drive and talent huh) It will be difficult (Least you know you’re pushing shit up hill) After work went home, fed the cats and got myself some tea, went back to work, recorded some of my better commercials for safe keeping. (I kept them so safely that their actual location is a fucken mystery to me, wish I still had them because I’d give anything to hear what I thought was brilliant back then…in hindsight perhaps I burnt them) I also started talking on tape so I could have a conversation with my friends in a sense (Yeah because nothing says I love you like an audio cassette of you crapping on about bugger all…bet they’d be worthy of a podcast, if only my friends bothered to keep them…arseholes) Seeya.

Well today was bizarre, is that how you spell it?(Strangely enough it is…and for everyone that asks how did we survive without spell-check/google/the internet…apparently we just winged it, who knew)  Because I swapped with Glenn yesterday so that he could go to his basketball I have to do the New Release Show. (Wow who knew I was so generous…bet I made him pay for disrupting my life on so many levels hehe) Which means between the hours of 8 and 10pm we do nothing but feature a whole heap of new singles and we have a feature album that we listen to a variety of singles off. (Pretty sure it being called the New Release Show means it’s pretty self explanatory but way to go for spelling it out you little tool, on another note, how revolutionary was radio in regional markets back then…go figure) Before your shift you have to research the songs, but I didn’t have enough for every song so there was a whole heap that I didn’t know anything about. (See, the internet and google have changed everything, before then you just had to admit how dumb you were by saying nothing now we can search absolutely anything and crap on about it like a professional…future liars rejoice) Other than that everything went relatively well. (Relatively well, which means it could have been way better but it wasn’t way to gloss over it kid) Seeya.

Day off today, didn’t do much, didn’t wake up until 2.30pm which was great. (It probably goes without saying, but after 2 days of craptacular entries you’d think I’d attack this entry with a renewed vigour and really work hard to make up for my previous lack lustre efforts…but apparently not)  Went down to the shopping centre, did the essential shopping for must have goods (Hand Moisturiser? Tissues? 2 Minute Noodles?) went and got some magazines (Surprisingly not pornographic ones, with a population of around 10,000 back in 1989 everybody knew everybody’s business, so the last thing I would have done was buy anything filthy)  then I went and called Mum and Dad and Nicole was staying over, so I talked to her too. I talked until 5.30pm and they were getting ready to close the shopping centre. (Probably wondering who that sad, chubby kid was crapping on like a 14 year old school girl for hours on end) Went home, had some tea then I went down to the station to say howdy to Glenn, went home and slept. (Boooo you are so boring this job is becoming a serious chore…maybe I could just cut and paste a few earlier responses) Seeya

CAN’T REMEMBER E.G. NON EVENT DAY

(You pathetic little lazy non-whore…cos you were a mad little backed up virgin till your late 20’s…my hot tip on the lack of entries is that you were wallowing in some sort of masturbation frenzy that rendered your hands unable to lift a pen. I’m thinking the kind of calluses one of those kids gets from over using a game controller, or the sort of hands a bloke whose run a farm for 60 years gets. Anyway you get the general idea…for the record, nothing’s changed, I’m just not a virgin anymore hehe)

SEE PREVIOUS DAYS FOR DETAILS?

(Can I just say that this was years before I’d experiment with drugs so fuck knows why I couldn’t remember what had happened that day…oh wait, it was probably… NOTHING! Perhaps this was my way of covering up how pathetic my existence was, like, if I just mention the dinner party as a P.S. that way it makes me look sociable and not so much of a complete loser…pretty sure that’s how it rolled)

e.g. I FORGOT TO WRITE AND NOW I CAN’T REMEMBER

P.S. The dinner party went really well, the lasagne was absolutely brilliant and so was the salad and garlic bread, I was really pleased with my efforts, it was just like “mama” used to make. (Which mama and since when did you ever taste anything like a mama makes?)

Vell today I did so much zings it almost incredible, like my German accent. (You know what, if you actually vocalise that sentence it’s so far from German it’s not funny and yet here I was trying to be funny…massive fail) Today I created lasagne, it looks so scrummy, I felt like cooking it up and eating it right then and there(I’m pretty sure I did that at least once in the last 22 years…PIG) I can’t wait for tomorrow. Went to work at about 5.00pm today, put my records away from Friday and yesterday (Pretty sure this entire diary should be re-titled ‘The Laziness Chronicles’) started my shift at 6.00pm with Take 40 Australia, Bradley came over. I did a couple of commercials while Take 40 was on and my Mum and Dad rang up again, which was great. It’s great to speak to them. After Take 40 my shift went really well, we ordered a pizza which was nummy (NUMMY? What are you a 12 year old school girl? I wanna inflict enough pizza box paper cuts on your body till you bleed out you maggot) and after 12.00am I recorded a commercial that I hadn’t done. (Meh there’s no point in harping on about the laziness anymore) Now that I’m home the TV’s finished for tonight so I’m listening to music, you’d think I’d get sick of it wouldn’t you NO WAY (Pretty sure I’m sick of you though…can’t believe I’ve got a year’s worth of entries to complete…give me strength) Seeya

And today will go down in history as the day Ben did absolutely zero once again, (Heads up dork…you’re four days into March and you doing absolutely zero is nothing new, in fact, the only recurring theme I’m noticing, besides your blatant laziness, is how much of a tool you are) and people will look back on this day and say – Sheet that boy – him sooooo lazzyyyy!!?? (Seriously WTF? Apparently I was channelling a footy player’s pathetic attempts at humour with overtones of racism with that comment, what nationality was I even trying to create for fucks sake?) I did stuff all today, (Yeah we got that in your opening statement, re-writing it is not expanding the story you wanker) went shopping to get all the ingredients for Monday nights tea, we’re having lasagne, garlic bread and fresh salad, if it doesn’t go off before Monday ha. (Nice to see my flippant attitude to food poisoning has a long and glorious history…this was years before that fateful day when I’d find myself exploding from between my legs and my mouth all at the same time,  for 24 hours after consuming some sort of nasty floor sausage) The Request Show was extremely busy, hardly any time to scratch myself, let alone pick my nose. (Notice you didn’t acknowledge your filthy habit of occasionally slipping said nose pickings into your mouth so you could spit it across the room…glad you grew out of that ‘party trick’) Well I never. (Yes you did) Anyway after all that was over I went home and watched the Wrestling on tele, my standards are slipping, (Pretty sure I’ve helped ruined any claims of you having standards buddy) but I’ve only got two channels to choose from (Convenient you chose the gayest program to watch) I then retired to bed and read my book till now, cause I’m tired I say bye bye.

Well today was the big day, the first Outside Broadcast for Ben Wasley, (Wow why haven’t a celebrated that anniversary when it rolls around each year? Oh that’s right…because no one gives a shit) got to the station at 10am, did a cuppla commercials, stuffed around. Was given my 6KA Super K-Mart t-shirt to wear, slightly small, (Good one chubster) have to lose more weight? (Kind of depressing to see that 22 years later that statement applies even more so then it did then…wish I could press rewind) Went to K-Mart at around 1.30pm, my face was bright red. (Yes even to this day the flushed red face I experience when attention is focussed on me still appears, although not as bad as it did back then)  I told everyone I was sunburnt, put on a brave front, pretending I wasn’t nervous. (The fact that my voice quivered while I told everyone I was cool probably didn’t help my cause) Was nervous for the first hour to two hours, then I calmed down. We had great fun, Neville and Richie talked on the microphone with me, we raved on and mucked about for a while. (Who are you? Seriously…we raved on…you’re kidding me right? I can only imagine how shitful boring it was, no doubt the locals were looking at the three of us and wishing public floggings, crucifixion or time spent in the stocks being pelted with rotten food were still the accepted norm) After the O.B. we went to the Overland Hotel for a media party, around the pool which was great and when that finished I went back to Cyndy’s house for drinks. (These are the first recordings of what would turn out to be enough public displays of drunkenness and vomiting that would earn me the name Beeeee [vomitty sound]nnnnnn Wasssss [vomitty sound] leeeeyyyyyy [spit things out, clear nostrils sound] completely sad but true) I also invited them over for dinner on Monday night. Seeya later.

PS: Nana Stella rang, really great.

Day off today (Seems like most days, even when you actually worked, you were having a day off) did very little indeed except worrying over tomorrow (We are talking eye of the needle evacuation here peeps) still it should be OK. (Yeah OK but smelly, you better hire a lady with a baby to stand nearby so you can pass off your pants mistakes as that mucky babies nappy)  I’ll just be talking to thousands (Love that in a town of roughly 10,000 people I naturally assume that most of them will be enthralled by my insightful rambling that they’ll tune in to hear it….clueless dork) and a have a number of them looking at me too. (Wondering who the hell you are and how come you’re blocking the manoeuvring of their trolley) Went to Super K-Mart tonight to have a look at where the console is set up, right in front of Hollies, the restaurant, so people can stare at you while they pig out, (Your nervous quivering might just put them of their food buddy) shit I’m nervous. Dropped into the station also, talked to Glenn, he’s had a couple of offers to start at other radio stations which is great, they’re willing to wait for him until he’s ready. We talked about what happens when you tell them your (It’s you’re…dickhead) leaving. They get really shitty and treat you like a piece of shit for your last few days, so the day I leave will be very worring, (Might have helped to throw a ‘Y’ in there and in hindsight, after 3 and a half years in the North West of W.A. I had very little worries about leaving and I didn’t give a shit what my employers thought or did…I pretty much couldn’t wait to get out of there) still who cares. Seeya

PS: Mum and Dad rang yah yippee

So you wanna know what happened today eh? (Enough with the stupid fucken questions you tool…content is king and right now you’re about as entertaining as an Apple iTunes legal agreement, the difference here is no one would EVER hit ‘accept’) Well got into work at about 1.30pm did some of those ‘On This Day’ things (These were recorded segments that were played on air so I assume by ‘doing’ them I mean I carted them so they could be played) then set up for the recording of the College Show. Recorded that between 3pm and 4pm, all went well. When I’d finished I found out that we’re doing an outside broadcast on Friday at Super K-Mart (Cue massive mental shit in my pants…I can still remember the waves of revulsion that washed over me when they flagged this with me) and I’ve got to do the 2pm till 6pm shift. I tell you now I’m shit scared already (Yeah because in a studio no one can stand in front of you screaming “YOU ARE SHIT!!” while security grapples with them…that’s assuming security would be available or even interested in preventing that from happening) hopefully it will all go well. My shift went well tonight and I’ve got the day off tomorrow so I’ll use the time to do some research on some of the songs I’ll be playing tomorrow (This could be one of the few examples of me actually doing prep…bet I still didn’t do any) ah no Friday, bye, bye.

Well what did I do today, (That should end with a question mark not a comma you friggen moron) had to go to work at quart to eleven (Love how I’ve written it like I’m explaining why I had to go in ‘early’…oh poor me, I had to go in at quart to 11…meh this so isn’t helping me feel anything but hate for 80’s me still) because we had to record the March Guides which are shoppers guides for businesses to advertise on and they’re updated each month. (Sounds like a con to me but whatever rocks your advertising boat) I then did ads for the Walkington Theatre and was later dumped with some Super K-Mart ads. (Cue sooky lah lah sentence no doubt) Three 30 second commercials that had to be written, as well as voiced, so I went home at about 3.30pm, coming back to work about 4.30pm. (Oh the humanity, it does help pay your wages you selfish plug) The studio for recording was being used so I had to wait. (Good lord could it get any worse?) Turned out the studio was busy till 6pm so I just had to go on air. (Hmm seems so…suffer in your jocks you little sook) My shift went well but I was really pissed at 12.30am when I had to record those commercials. (Not actually drunk more 19 and self righteous and an utter pain in the arse it would seem) I left them for Cyndy to copy check them for me in the morning, oh well, seeya.